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I’m a 19 year old transsexual neutrois.  What this means is that I’m neither a girl nor a boy, and wish to medically fix my body so that it’s correct. I’d love to say that it also means that I’m trying to live and legally be accepted as a neutrois… But that’s not really possible.

Some days I really do wish I could just choose one and stick with it, but I can’t.  I tried to be a girl for 15 years, I tried to be a boy for almost 2. Both were fantastic failures, I was lying both ways. I still have moments where I hope I can live in one role succesfully for the rest of my life.  The rest are me wondering what on Earth I’m going to do.

The world is not ready for transgendered people in the first place. The idea of seeing someone as a boy and having to accept that person is actually a girl is incredibly difficult for people. To most people, gender is one of the few finites in life. Everything else about you can change with age or experience, but gender stays finite, it’s comfortable to think that no matter what happens- women will always be women and men will always be men. And then trans people come along and say "You may have thought I was a man, but I’m really a woman. Just in the wrong packaging" and it scares people. Some are okay with it, some can’t understand and lash out, some act as though it and ‘the gay’ are infectious diseases.

And those are for people who still fit comfortably into society’s boxes. Most trans women are quite happy settling into the ‘woman’ box, the only problem was that they were put in the wrong one initially. They’re only asking for people to rethink the idea that your genitalia defines you, not for people to rethink their entire perception of gender.  And people can’t even do that.

So what hope do I have? I don’t fit into the boxes. I’m not just saying "my genitals don’t define me", I’m saying "gender isn’t a 2-party system". I can’t use familiar terms to explain myself. I have to say "I’m not a man, but I’m not a woman either. I was never either of those things. I never will be." and wait for people to get their heads around the idea that there can be a grey area to gender.

Even transgendered people dislike me for who I am. I complicate things, all genderqueer/nonbinaries/etc do. I’ve had a trans man tell me that I need to lie about who I am so that he can live as he really is.

I’m not the only neutrois. My partner is neutrois, I know a few online, I even know one who has completely transitioned. I find genderqueer at the oddest places, too, I seem to be a magnet for them.  I ask someone for help with Icelandic, I find out they’re genderqueer. I get to know someone who is a fan of the same TV show as me, turns out they’re genderqueer.  We really are everywhere.

But the world still very much sees things as black and white when it comes to gender. For all the genderqueer I stumble upon, I still have to struggle to figure out where I belong in the boxes of ‘man’ and ‘woman’ and face the anger of society for failing to meet their expectations. And it gets lonely some days, and it’s always a bit scary.

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